Hi Baby,

It’s your mom. It seems that we have been waiting forever for you to arrive. But really only 9 months filled with a mixed bag of emotions ranging from happiness/excitement/terror and just plain exhaustion.

We (your dad and I) are really excited to meet you. And I thought while I was waiting, I would write you this little note. So in the future, you can read it and know how about our hopes and dreams for you.

And how much we want you to become a reality t.v. star.

Because that, would really make your father and I very happy. I mean, isn’t that your job, to make us happy? Thought I read that in that baby book somwhere..
Becoming a reality t.v. star is a really an admirable ambition. There are a lot of opportunities out there.

Think about it..you could start out by going on one of those dating shows where 25 woman romp around in swimsuits trying to win the love of one man. You would get to live in a big mansion, lay out by the pool all day and drink copious amounts of liquor. And the camera’s will follow you around, taping you going to the bathroom and provoking you to fight with your fellow cast mates. And all the while, your family will get to watch you on t.v. every Friday night. What a great way for us to stay connected. Just imagine how jealous the neighbors will be..

And you will get to meet your future husband! The love of your life! When you have grandkids someday, you can retail the story of how you fell in-love under the heated lights of the camera while elbowing the other girls into the pool. So romantic.

And what an ingenious way for your husband to decide on a wife. He will get to “sample” all different kinds of woman before he decides on the “one.” Don’t worry, I am sure that it will be sanitary. And If he picks you, that must really mean you are a worthy human being. Your self esteem will be through the roof.

Oh, and don’t even think of coming back home until you have landed your own reality show on VHI. And while your at it, you might as well fall in love with a billionaire. Your dad and I need a new car.

Wow. If only we had these opportunities when we were growing up. Bet you can’t wait to get here!

Love,
Mom

*please note, this letter should be read with dripping sarcasm.

I wore a Santa hat out in public yesterday. Just to the store. I was amazed by all the blank stares I received, and actually, some people looked down right pissed. “Only four months left to shop” – I retorted.

Clerks at the department store didn’t even bat an eye – they directed me to the back of the store where the holiday decorations were being set up. One aisle glistened with bags and bags of sweet candy corn, peanut butter filled treats and ghoulish haunts. The next was scattered with turkey paraphernalia, pilgrims and those cream horn things. And low and behold – that big, fat, white bearded man – sat perched in the last aisle, silently overseeing the other holidays, watching his clock.

Ok, so I’m lying. Some say I am nuts, but I’m not crazy. I would never be caught dead wearing a Santa Hat in public. Even in December.

But, what is amazing is our timing, or lack their of. Long gone are the lazy dog days of summer, sitting on your porch enjoying a glass of sweet lemonade. As soon as summer hits, the commercials tell us it’s time to get ready for back to school! Wait, didn’t we JUST start vacation?

And as soon as September 1 arrives, forget it. That Sammy Summer beer that you enjoyed all summer has been replaced with the fall brew. One word – stockpile.

October 1st? Pshh, yeah. You are already thrown head first into the deep, pile of mess called the holiday season and the only one offering you a shovel is January. Good luck, solider. For the next three months, you will be bombarded with this massive, monster of a holiday called, Chrishallowgiving.

It’s everything you didn’t know you wanted. Three whole months of back to back chaos including but not limited to; travel, family visits, insane crowds, fat-tastic foods and stress. I wonder if people pay more visits to the Dr. during these months?

I am going to take a new approach this year. I am not going to give in to the hype. I am not going to freak out in November because I haven’t stated Christmas shopping. I am not going to fill my house with thanksgiving decorations simply because Halloween is over at midnight. And I sure as heck am not going to eat all my daughters Halloween candy. (Well, Yes, yes I will..)

I am going to take the holidays with ease this year. Maybe I will sit down to Thanksgiving dinner in shorts and a t-shirt, crack open a Shipyard Summer and break out the Halloween candy for desert. I might even bring our left over Fourth of July sparklers for shits and giggles. Oh, and you know those shorts will be white. Labor Day, Shmaber Day.

After all, what is the rush?